


Flour Baby Experiment

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Category: Captain America (Movies), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, M/M, except I had a robo baby and thats when I decided kids can fuck off, flour baby project, yall remember that?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 12:33:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17386547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: Bucky knows five things about Peter Quill and all five of them indicate that he shouldn’t be a parent but watching him throw the bag of flour on his grimy counter without care only proves Bucky’s worst fears. “You just threw that baby on a counter that’s so gross I need shots just looking at it,” he says, horrified. Is this how Quill lives? He’s seen barns cleaner. Shit, back when he lived in Brooklyn he’s seen dive bars that are cleaner. He would not trust this house in sock feet. He barely trusts it with shoes on.“Its a sack of flour, Barnes, relax about it,” Peter tells him, rolling his eyes.





	Flour Baby Experiment

**Author's Note:**

> Original note on my Tumblr: So I was looking up fics earlier and came across a few with parenting classes handing out flour babies (fuck I WISH my school did that- we got machine babies and I almost threw mine out a window). Anyways, have some WinterQuill (Bucky/ Peter Quill- that’s its name now) with a flour baby.
> 
> Most of this was written forever ago, but I was clearing out my drafts on Tumblr so here y'all are!
> 
> Sidenote: Bruh, I thought I almost lost this after hitting the wrong button but guess what! I fuckin didn't thank god.

Bucky knows five things about Peter Quill and all five of them indicate that he shouldn’t be a parent but watching him throw the bag of flour on his grimy counter without care only proves Bucky’s worst fears. “You just threw that baby on a counter that’s so gross I need shots just  _looking_  at it,” he says, horrified. Is this how Quill lives? He’s seen barns cleaner. Shit, back when he lived in Brooklyn he’s seen  _dive bars_  that are cleaner. He would not trust this house in sock feet. He barely trusts it with shoes on.

“Its a sack of flour, Barnes, relax about it,” Peter tells him, rolling his eyes. If he wasn’t currently going to cause Bucky flunking an unflunkable course Bucky would think he’s hot but no, here he is totally not taking this seriously.

“Its supposed to be a  _baby_  and you can’t just throw it around at things!” Honestly, this should be  _common sense_. He wouldn’t throw an actual child on that nasty counter. He thinks.

Peter sighs and picks up the sack of flour, “okay you know what Barnes, this is not an actual child, and its a lot more durable than a toddler. See, look,” he says and than he drops the fucking flour and if that wasn’t bad enough he goddamn  _drop kicks it_  and it explodes everywhere. “Okay,” Peter says, waving his arms around his face. “I one hundred percent miscalculated that and for that I apologize,” he says as Bucky watches his entire life fall to the ground in the form of white dust.

“I fucking hate you,” he says with more venom in his voice than he’s ever heard. Peter looks shocked and frankly Bucky is too- usually only Sam gets the brunt of his anger but that’s because Sam is the human equivalent of peas and mayo on pizza. He’s the worst human on this planet, or he was until Peter decided to  _drop kick their child_. 

“Dude, its just flour. We can buy a new bag,” he points out.

Bucky rolls his eyes, “oh, and I’m sure that’ll work in this pisshole small town- the whole fucking population will tell the teacher before we even make it to the damn register. What the  _fuck_  Quill!”

“Jesus, you are wound tight. Its just a stupid assignment, relax,” Peter tells him.

Bucky almost rolls his eyes again but resists,  _barely_. “Just because you don’t give a fuck and have no future doesn’t mean the rest of us are happy with utter mediocrity,” Bucky snaps.  _Some_  people don’t fuck around.

Peter wilts at that, looking down at the mess with a hurt expression on his face that makes Bucky feel guilty for a moment until the door bursts open and someone walks through. Bucky wrinkles his nose because this guy looks like the physical embodiment of every hillbilly stereotype he’s ever heard. He looks down at the ground, now covered in flower, and lets out an annoyed noise. “What the hell is that, boy?” he asks, Southern accent matching his outward appearance. Bucky looks over to Peter, who sighs. “Clean that up and get the hell out, don’t come back until morning,” the guy says, ignoring Bucky completely before walking off.

“He cares about that, but not  _that_?” Bucky asks, pointing at the counter.

Peter just glares at him and grabs a broom, which shocks Bucky because these people keep  _cleaning supplies_? Maybe someone should teach them how to use them. “I’ll deal with the stupid flour bag,” Peter tells him, “don’t worry about it.”

Yeah, ok. “No offense, but I wouldn’t trust you with a pet  _rock_  without fear you’d kill it so no, we’re dealing with this together, thanks.”

*

Bucky rules a store out fast because everyone would know their damn child was  _dead_  now and Peter spends way too damn much time whining about it. “Then what the hell are we supposed to do?” he asks and Bucky shrugs.

“I don’t know but  _you_  murdered our child. You figure it out.” This shouldn’t even be his problem but thanks to the teacher forcing them to work together he had no damn choice but to care.

Peter rolls his eyes, “the hell are we supposed to do, steal someone else’s flour baby?” he snaps, obviously annoyed.

“Yeah, sure, lets go dabble in some B&E so we don’t fail our project and risk fucking  _prison_  instead,” he says, shaking his head.

“Well, if you insist,” Peter says sarcastically. “Lets go steal Cassidy’s baby. Everyone knows it’ll be a crack baby anyways, we’ll be liberating it.”

He stomps off and Bucky hurries after him because  _no_ , this cannot be fucking happening. “Absolutely not, we aren’t stealing Cassidy’s crack baby oh my god. That’s  _illegal_ ,” he points out.

“Who gives a fuck about the law? Lets go, I’m tired of listening to you whine,” Peter tells him.

Bucky hurries to catch up, “ _I_  care about the law! you can’t just break into places, Peter!”

Peter stops and whirls around, “well we can’t go to the store, we can’t break into people’s houses, where do you expect to find a bag of flour? You gunna just shit one out?”

“I feel like there’s an option between going to a store and breaking the law, Peter, you’re being melodramatic. Someone probably has spare flour around,” he says.

“Yeah, you gunna go ask for donations?” he asks.

Okay good point. “Nope, lets go break into Cassidy’s house and steal her flour baby.”

*

Having Barnes on look out is a bad plan, he’ll probably bleat like a goat the moment a leaf falls from a tree but whatever. All he has to do is get in and get out with a sack of flour. Shouldn’t be too difficult, he’s definitely done worse. ‘Course he doesn’t count on people being home but whatever, he’s dealt with that too. Plus he quickly figures out that they’re in the basement and it smells like pot so there’s that.

He’s almost got the flour, someone left it in the middle of the living room table surrounded by booze and at least he isn’t the only highly irresponsible parent. Though even he has to admit that booze is probably less irresponsible than drop kicking your child and killing it. He grabs the flour and starts picking his way back through the house when he runs into Ronan, Cassidy’s stupid boyfriend and nearly swears but he’s done this a half a dozen times before. Instead of doing any of the first things that come to mind he punches Ronan in the mouth and takes off, nearly running over Bucky on his way out.

“Move your ass, Barnes, we’ve been made!” he yells. Bucky lets out a shriek and takes off after him, which probably shouldn’t make him laugh but it does.

*

Bucky sits next to stupid Peter and their stupid contraband flour because they’re going the fuck to  _jail_  for this stupid assignment. “Relax, hot toddy,” Peter tells him and Bucky squints. “What? You seem like a good bed time drink,” he says as an explanation.

He squints, “for  _whom_ , alcoholics?” he asks.

“Hey, don’t be rude. That shit’ll knock me right out,” Peter says. Yeah, Bucky worries about Peter’s home life to say the least.

“Whatever. Maybe we’ll be cellmates in prison,” he mumbles. Peter rolls his eyes at him as Ronan and Cassidy walk into the room and they both immediately glare at Bucky and Peter. He sinks in his seat a little, preparing for a lifetime behind bars when Ronan loudly accuses them of stealing his flour baby.

Peter laughs, “yeah, we totally did. You guys should have seen it, it was one for the ages. I totally broke in, stole the flour baby off a table full of booze- seriously, whiskey is a hard stink to get off a flour bag- then I got busted by Ronan, punched him in the face, and made a daring escape,” he says, grinning all pleased with himself.

Bucky just might kill Peter for fucking  _telling_  everyone all that because  _what the hell_? Except the class laughs and the teacher shakes his head. “If you lost the flour the least you could do is own up to it so I don’t have to listen to another one of Quill’s tall tales,” he says and Bucky gives Peter a shocked look.

He leans in, “best way to lie is to tell the truth Barnes, especially when it sounds fucking nuts. No one would have ever believed that shit, sounds like someone  _wrote_ it for shits and gigs. Gets me out of trouble all the time,” he says, leaning back over to his side of the table.

Yeah, sure he’s heard about Peter’s ridiculous stories but he hadn’t ever considered they were true. Except now he’s in one and he  _knows_  that’s what actually happened.

Which is what Ronan points out. “Sure is, Barnes was the lookout,” Peter chimes in, laughing.

Everyone looks at him like he’s nuts probably on account of Bucky being well known for his anxiety post-arm losing and Steve being well known for not advocating B&E. Or any other crimes. Peter raises an eyebrow at Bucky and okay, so his stupid plan worked. Still.

*

Peter finds Bucky after class, not difficult considering people  _used_  to flock around his locker before he got in that car accident and his life went tits up. Poor bastard lost an arm and got anxiety, which is a real pain in Peter’s  _ass_  to deal with but hey. He’s still hot and maybe his personality leaves a little to be desired but that doesn’t put much of a damper on his looks.

“Hey,” he says, leaning against the space beside Bucky’s locker. He looks over and frowns a little, confused as to why Peter is there. “Don’t look at me like that, we’re supposed to like... parent the flour together. We should get dinner,” he says.

Bucky snorts, “last time I let you near the fake kid you  _killed_  it and then we had to go kidnap another and then tell the truth about it except no one believed it. So I’ll pass on dinner, thanks.”

Yeah, he should have expected this to be not so easy but he’s not too concerned. He and Gamora got in a fist fight the first time they met and things worked out okay. Probably helped that she kind of handed his ass to him, but in his defense she was fucking  _good_  and he thinks he put up a good fight all things considered. Gamora didn’t think so but she didn’t like Footloose either so her opinion doesn’t matter and he wanted that orb more. Too bad there was only a fucking troll doll in it so their squabbling was totally useless. They did manage to pretend it was worth something and hocked it to that one guy and split the profits though, so they figured it out.

Damn, he misses Gamora. She was much more fun that Bucky Freaking Out Over Everything Barnes. Hotter too, but he’ll make do here. Bucky’s got a nice ass. “That was  _one_  time and I solved all our problems, relax about it. You could use a good lay, might relax you some,” he says.

Bucky rolls his eyes, “if the Xanax doesn’t work I doubt your dick is that special. Now I’m going to take this flour baby and you’re going to fuck off,” he says, giving Peter a tight smile.

“Bucky, don’t be rude,” a familiar voice says and Peter turns to find Steve standing there. 

“Yeah Bucky, don’t be rude,” Peter tells him.

“Oh you shut up, I know plenty about you. And stay away from Bucky,” he adds. Okay,  _rude_.

“I am a perfectly respectable human being,” Peter says in his own defense.

Steve squints, “weren’t you a drug dealer last year?” he asks and okay, so he was, but they all have flaws.

“That’s like... a job, its not my fault I had customers,” he says. “Also I’m a drug dealer every year, give me credit,” he adds. Has been since he was what, ten? Eleven? Well, technically he started out running drugs for Yondu because people don’t suspect kids on bikes to have drugs, but now the cops know better.

Bucky rolls his eyes, “you’re the worst partner ever,” he tells him.

*

“You did  _what_?” Steve asks and okay it was only  _one time_.

“I had no choice,” Bucky says in his defense.

“No choice but to  _break into someone’s house_?” Steve asks, Judging Face on. Sam’s too, but his face is always set on Asshole Mode if Bucky is around. Fuck Sam Wilson, he’s the  _worst_.

“Yeah, we had to get some flour in a way no one would find out about. I mean Peter told everyone but no one believed him. Also technically only Peter broke in,” he points out.

Sam scoffs, “tell the cops that,” he says and Bucky frowns.

“Like you’d willingly spend time with cops,” he mumbles. They all know his mom and also Sam thinks most of them are jackasses and Bucky agrees but that’s because he works in the coffee shop they all frequent.

“I can’t believe I’m saying this but you can’t just  _break into people’s homes_ , Bucky!” Steve says this like he doesn’t already know that.

He’s not a  _total_  dumbass, okay? “I should have went to dinner with Peter,” he mumbles even though he’s one hundred percent positive that would go badly.

*

This is going to go over terribly but Steve wouldn’t shut up and  _technically_  he is supposed to do this project with Peter so if it means he can escape Steve’s damn judgment for five goddamn seconds he’s going to do it. Peter looks pleased with this situation and he shouldn’t. “Did you somehow manage to  _steal_  that pizza?” Bucky asks and Peter shrugs.

“It wasn’t currently in use,” he says like that explains anything.

“I better get an A,” he mumbles.

“If you shut your mouth I’ll do you one better and get you the D,” he says and Bucky wrinkles his nose. He knew he was going to regret this.

“That’s the fucking worst pickup line in the  _world_ ,” he tells Peter.

He shrugs, “did it work?” he asks and Bucky looks him up and down. Yeah, okay, Quill is hot in that bad boy kind of way and Bucky is sure he has experience plus its been a long time since he’s been with anyone and fuck it. They have a kid.

“Were you the one who stole the TVs from the school before anyone even knew we had TVs?” he asks and Peter grins.

“Yup. Got ‘em out through the greenhouse roof,” he says proudly.

He shrugs, “my parents won’t be home until late, I refuse to do this without a bed. I still have a shred of class left,” he mumbles.

Peter shakes his head, “I’ll make an adventurer out of you yet. Come on,” he says, prodding Bucky out of his seat.

He’s probably going to regret this more than coming here but whatever.

*

Steve has his judging face on and Bucky really shouldn’t have slept with Quill. “I think I’m in love,” he says. He’s in lust, he’s not an idiot, but shit Quill made his time worth it. Even if they almost got busted by his sister  _then_  his parents and Peter almost died going out his window. Still worth it.

“Bucky since you spent time with him you’ve managed to be looped into crime,  _several_  times, he killed your baby, and his pickup lines sound like they come from incel forums,” Steve tells him. Across the way a black woman is giving him a  _look_  and okay out of context there was an actual child murder so he forgives her for that.

“It was a flour baby, not a real baby. And we liberated another one so like, I don’t think that should be held against him,” he says to Steve specifically. Their companion across the way doesn’t look convinced whatsoever.

“You know what Barnes, when a black woman makes that face you need to stop doing what you’re doing because she knows you’re doing dumb shit and she’s right,” Sam tells him. “Its like when moms give you the ‘I’m disappointed in your face’ or when dads give you the silent treatment,” he adds. “Its  _law_.”

Bucky rolls his eyes, “you mom makes that face all the time and  _you_  don’t listen,” he points out.

“Yeah, she made that face when I brought Steve home and now I have to convince his one armed freak of a best friend that dating the local drug dealer is a  _bad idea_. I should have listened.”

Steve looks hurt by that but Bucky rolls his eyes. “We aren’t dating, we’re casually sleeping together,” he says in his defense.

Steve frowns, “the last time you tried to do something casually you read a couple conspiracy theories and then a month later you were on about how vaccines steal souls and shit. You don’t  _do_  casual,” he says.

Well, he’s going to start.

*

Peter doesn’t really know where else to go so he climbs that tree outside of Bucky’s window and knocks on it, just about falling off the tree as he does so. Bucky looks over, eyes wide and he looks absurd with his blanket over his head, tucked in tight under his chin and covering the rest of his body but Peter doesn’t really care about that. He was cold hours ago and he figured Bucky would be the most likely to let him in.

He’s right, because Bucky plods over to the window and opens it, shivering as Peter climbs through. “Jesus, its freezing out there and you live across town. Bit much for a booty call, don’t you think?” he asks.

Yeah, not why he’s here but okay. He lets Bucky believe that because that’s less worse than the truth. So he grins, “maybe you’re worth my time,” he says, ever the flatterer. Bucky’s cheeks turn a little pink though so it works and that’s all he needed it to do.

He shuts the window and opens his blankets, “well, get in here, you must be freezing,” he says. Peter sheds his coat, pilfered from Kraglin’s closet years ago except now it fits him better than it ever fit Kraglin given that he’s not as skinny, and goes into Bucky’s warm embrace. He pulls Bucky in close and slips a freezing hand under his shirt and Bucky squeals, trying to escape unsuccessfully. “Oh my gosh, hands to yourself until they’re normal temperatures!” he tells Peter, managing to remove his cold hand from his back.

Peter shakes his head when a familiar voice catches his attention and he frowns, looking over at Bucky’s laptop. “Are you watching Ancient Aliens?” he asks and Bucky turns bright red, he can see it despite the flood of blue light in the room.

“No,” he lies.

*

Steve is giving him judge-y looks but Peter doesn’t give a shit- people have given him harsher judgements for less. “Steve, stop it,” Bucky tells him.

“You went from hating the guy to hosting him in your room six days a week all because you rode his dick one time,” Steve snaps. “His dick can’t be  _that_  good.”

“Well you ignore that Sam hates my guts and  _his_  dick can’t be  _that_  good either,” Bucky counters. On account of him and Sam being the two stuck in the middle of this they exchange a glance.

“How about we make a deal- Quill gets us free weed, we stop judging,” he says. Peter snorts and starts laughing at the hilariously offended look on Steve’s face. Mr. Rule Follower is sure to  _love_  that.

“Its really good weed actually,” Bucky adds, just to sweeten the deal.

“You’ve been doing  _drugs_?” Steve asks and Peter rolls his eyes.

“Pots less shit than alcohol and that’s legal everywhere. Plus pot’s legal in a bunch of places, including Canada,” he points out. And if the dumb, goody two shoes Canadians decided the legalize it everyone should.

“Its helps with anxiety,” Bucky adds.

“You don’t do drugs about your anxiety, Bucky!” Steve says and he rolls his eyes.

“That’s what my antidepressants are, Steve. Also I  _know_  you’ve smoked weed so stop acting like you actually care and say what you mean,” he tells him.

Steve lets out an annoyed huff,” fine- I think your dating someone who’s going nowhere fast and I don’t want to see him drag  _you_  down.”

Even Sam looks a little surprised by that and Sam is the pettiest and also meanest person any of them know. Peter frowns given that Bucky used to think the same thing though he must have changed his mind at some point. “Must be nice to judge from your relatively cushy life,” he snaps and Steve rolls his eyes.

“I grew up poor with a single mom and a bunch of health issues, I didn’t grow up comfortable,” he says.

“Yeah? Well I watched my mom die for three years before she finally kicked it when I was eight, and that was  _after_  my dad abandoned us. Then I got stuck in a bunch of foster homes that wanted cheques, not kids, until I ran off and happened to run into Yondu. He doesn’t give a fuck about me, but at least he mostly doesn’t kick my ass on a regular basis and he taught me how to survive in a world that doesn’t give a shit about me. You have people who care at least, I wasn’t even lucky enough to get that.” Even his teachers hate him and yeah sure, he doesn’t make himself easy to like but after a life time of bullshit he thinks he’s entitled to that much. Its easier to be suspicious than to open yourself up to the probable chance of being hurt later.

Steve, to his credit, looks guilty but Sam breaks the awkward silence fast. “Is the weed thing still on the table?” he asks and Peter snorts and rolls his eyes.

“Seriously?” he asks and Sam shrugs.

“What? Your shit is good, but its not cheap and I’m tired of having to bum it off people at parties. I don’t know where those people have been and I don’t want to find out by sharing a joint,” he says.

Peter nods, knowing exactly where everyone in the town has been. “Good call,” he tells him.

*

Bucky lies across his bed with his feet in the air, bent at the knee. “You must have  _something_  you want to do. Even if its something dumb,” Bucky says. “I kind of want to be the one who came up with some insane conspiracy theory that actually gets popular. I’ve been trying for years but nothing gets better than Amelia Earhart being eaten by crabs so,” he shrugs. And someone already took up aliens, and someone else already took up time slip, and someone  _else_  already took up flying into another dimension so he’s had to extend his reaches. 

So far he’s got a few nutty things out there, but nothing that’s grown in popularity. Its a dumb thing to want, but he thinks its kind of funny and he likes story telling. Also, the CIA is a fucked up organization so suggesting they’ve been experimenting on human alien hybrids really isn’t that far out of their usual wheelhouse given shit like MK Ultra is a thing they did once.

Peter shrugs, “I don’t get the benefit of having dreams. Besides, being the local drug dealer isn’t a bad gig. I might have to deal with tweakers but its not all bad. Some of them are funny once they get their fix.” Yeah, Bucky feels bad for anyone who finds themselves in that situation but still.

“What, and you have  _no_  aspirations outside of that? Come on- you know I stay up all night watching Ancient Aliens and reading weird astrology charts about alien chakras and how to remove them. You can share a little something about yourself. It seriously doesn’t get worse than my habits.”

Peter considers this or a long moment before he shrugs. “Kinda used to want to be a film director. Make the next Footloose, you know? But that’s not even a pipe dream. That’s like... a dream some stupid kid makes and then can’t follow through on because you need to know everyone in that industry to break into it,” he points out.

Yeah, he’s not wrong. “Why don’t you go steal a bunch of shit and then hock it so you can make a movie? Can’t be  _that_  hard,” he says and Peter frowns.

“Do you know how much movies cost?” he asks and Bucky admittedly does not. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. But making a living robbing the tits off the rich sounds good. They don’t need all that stuff anyway.”

“Yeah, be like Robin Hood,” he says and Peter snorts.

“No, fuck giving it to the poor, I want it. The poor can go steal their own shit. What made you change your mind about me being a total loser anyway?” he asks and Bucky shrugs.

“You’re actually smart. And I kind of realized after I slept with you that for the first time in a long, long time I didn’t feel paralyzed by fear every time I went to make a decision. You kind of force me out of my box and that’s good for me, probably. You’re still kind of a loser, but that’s part of your charm,” he says and Peter rolls his eyes before throwing himself on the bed beside Bucky.

“You bitch best friend hates me though,” he points out.

“Well I hate his bitch boyfriend so he can know how it feels to have to put up with someone he loathes for once,” he says. Steve can totally  _eat_  him over this. 

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


End file.
